It seems like ages since the last entry, and even that one didn't feel adequate. I'm not pushing this entry to any of my social networks. If anyone who happens across tonight's little slice of weirdness likes it, please feel free to spread some link love, thanks.
With regard to the last entry, the practical application of "The Spirituality of Whatever" does have its limitations. Like now. There's a saying in the rooms that any given behavior isn't an "old behavior" (ie: pre-recovery) if one's still doing it. Stuffing via denial my personal concerns isn't exactly an old behavior. Rather, it's somewhat cyclical. Lately though, some older personal concerns keep gnawing at me and new ones are trying to exert dominance. I can't really talk openly about any of them, not now anyway.
I don't write about personal issues much any more. Maybe the sense of possibly being monitored by Big Brother makes me a tad paranoid. It's not like there's much true online anonymity left anymore, right? Then again, fifteen years ago, deep down in The Vault of Internet Eventualities a voice whispered, softly at first. Now that voice bellows and bears Louisville sluggers made of website TOS agreements and government legislation, all while sporting a Wal-Mart clearance aisle halo and a used-car-salesman smile...
"Be your true self," The Voice sweetly hisses. "But don't forget to share your most intimate details. We're friends, you and me. Good friends don't keep secrets. You do want to be my friend, right? What's your full legal name? Where do you live, work and play, and with whom? What's in your fridge? By the way, you're nearly out of toilet paper."
Oh gee thanks, creepy, intrusive harvester of too much information! Have your analytic algorithms determined my overall net worth? Do I make the cut? The Voice booms, "NO! We want you to fill out all the fields and not just the ones with the asterisks." Oh yeah? Is that all you've got? Bite my asterisks, buddy. All of them.
Ok, it's limited confession time. Without getting into specifics, I'm ambivalent about... Aw heck. Pardon the copypasta quickie. The original conversation was intended only for family of choice.
...many of you already know the background behind "fugitive247" and why I've fought for more than 15 years to maintain some modicum of personal anonymity online.
Folks, I'm simultaneously excited and near-panic stricken about the inevitability of having to publicly display my full name anywhere online. TOS registration matters not withstanding, this transition is being fueled for professional reasons. Before anyone suggests it, no, I have zero intention of starting brand new profiles on any of the services where I'm already registered.
Perhaps my biggest source of gut-gnawing apprehension is having to reconcile within myself the fact that I absolutely refuse to sanitize thousands of posts in which I mention specific 12 step recovery programs. I won't do it because it's disingenuous, period. As fugitive247, have I not developed some sense of credible transparency? Conversely, I sure don't want to publicly make myself appear, either as fugitive247 or Chris "Whomever," as a self-appointed representative of any anonymity based recovery resource. My ego really isn't that big, friends. =)
Why is this such a big deal to me? Mainly because I value Tradition Eleven. It's kind of doubtful that it's soon going to be amended to include internet as one of the venues which merits the maintenance of personal anonymity. Still, this is an example of how sometimes it's a hassle to have been in recovery since before ever going online and using a single nom de guerre the whole time, and certainly prior to the existence of social media. So modern internet convention now pretty much demands from me a degree compliance if I am to make continued progress in the Big Room. Will this make me a recovery sellout? Honestly, I'm working hard to quit judging myself harshly on this one matter, therefore others' critical opinions about this transition (which are really none of my business anyway) will likely amount to zilch in my book. I mean seriously, it's not like anyone's going to be able to repo my recovery... Just for today.
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