Closure Overdue

One month later... Hey, do you have any idea what it's like to have to keep quiet for years about an insane situation? Seriously, there are only two clear cut winners, regardless of the outcome for either the defendant or my family. There will be no justice if we go to trial because, as my attorney so succinctly put it, "[my] family is atypical of those in this region." In other words, even though we were in no way at-fault, the jury will likely be biased against my husband and I because we are educated. Insurance companies, lawyers, and those who promote ignorance as some fucked up source of pride make me wish Daleks were real. Exterminate! Exterminate!

Some people joke about the notion of staying clean on a resentment. While this is certainly nothing I would personally recommend to someone seeking recovery, for me this resentment holds a darker truth. It is my animosity towards that careless driver and the cumulative hell wrought by her actions upon my family that, at times, keeps me fighting for my recovery. To put it bluntly: I'll be dipped in shit before I let the actions of that hillbilly bitch give my disease the opportunity to make me want to use again.

Whether by jury trial or legal settlement, this aspect of the nightmare is nearly done. Thank goodness. The waiting alone (since 2007!!!) has forced my family into a hyper-stagnation, of sorts. We are so ready to resume forward momentum, despite injuries and so forth. In the meantime...

Peace, darlings. I *do* love you. =)

No Matter What

Courage Wolf might be on to something.

Not too long ago, I commented to a friend on Twitter that I hadn't been able to blog for so long that I was dreading the mere notion. He asked why, so I explained in cryptic 140-character increments that the reason was because I couldn't deal with, let alone publicly discuss much of what has happened since last summer.

It was around that time when the blogging itch struck anew. I finally got the gumption to put my Big Girl panties back on, and attempt to at least partially liberate some of the personal madness which had forced a major blogging hiatus. Bolstered by the written words of wisdom from two of my favorite women bloggers, namely Cecily K and Amy G, I sought to earnestly share some of this past year's hard won experience, strength, and hope. Still, there were complications and delays: a few dead laptops, a couple of dead fur kids, a dead well pump, a dead central A/C system, a dead water heater, a dead vehicle, a dying mother-in-law, a marriage that nearly died... To describe the past year as "nightmarish" would be a major understatement.

Did I want to act like a completely raving jackass during most of this time? Fucking-A right I did, and I thought about caving into some pretty negative old behaviors too, including getting shit-faced stupid. And I'd be less than truthful if I claimed that the ultimate escape hadn't seemed like an easy solution at least once or twice. Yes, this past year was that bad.

Somewhere in the great recovery scheme, a dangerous misconception keeps being perpetuated that so-called "old timers" rarely encounter situations which can potentially rock their foundation below sea level. Not true at all -- and to expect anyone to maintain 100% composure during periods of significant crisis, is both unhealthy and wholly unrealistic for everyone, regardless of cleantime. Addiction does not discriminate, kids. Please don't ever forget that. Pretty please.

Don't you dare judge me.

::whew:: Okay, so today, on this 6,227th consecutive daily reprieve (and a million nights), my sincerest wish for all is the realization that it may be quite possible to stay clean, no matter what. And the odds for success increase when one chooses to surround him or herself with others living solution-based lives. Oh, one last thing...

Thanks, family and close friends. I literally could not have made it this far without you. =)