No Matter What

Courage Wolf might be on to something.

Not too long ago, I commented to a friend on Twitter that I hadn't been able to blog for so long that I was dreading the mere notion. He asked why, so I explained in cryptic 140-character increments that the reason was because I couldn't deal with, let alone publicly discuss much of what has happened since last summer.

It was around that time when the blogging itch struck anew. I finally got the gumption to put my Big Girl panties back on, and attempt to at least partially liberate some of the personal madness which had forced a major blogging hiatus. Bolstered by the written words of wisdom from two of my favorite women bloggers, namely Cecily K and Amy G, I sought to earnestly share some of this past year's hard won experience, strength, and hope. Still, there were complications and delays: a few dead laptops, a couple of dead fur kids, a dead well pump, a dead central A/C system, a dead water heater, a dead vehicle, a dying mother-in-law, a marriage that nearly died... To describe the past year as "nightmarish" would be a major understatement.

Did I want to act like a completely raving jackass during most of this time? Fucking-A right I did, and I thought about caving into some pretty negative old behaviors too, including getting shit-faced stupid. And I'd be less than truthful if I claimed that the ultimate escape hadn't seemed like an easy solution at least once or twice. Yes, this past year was that bad.

Somewhere in the great recovery scheme, a dangerous misconception keeps being perpetuated that so-called "old timers" rarely encounter situations which can potentially rock their foundation below sea level. Not true at all -- and to expect anyone to maintain 100% composure during periods of significant crisis, is both unhealthy and wholly unrealistic for everyone, regardless of cleantime. Addiction does not discriminate, kids. Please don't ever forget that. Pretty please.

Don't you dare judge me.

::whew:: Okay, so today, on this 6,227th consecutive daily reprieve (and a million nights), my sincerest wish for all is the realization that it may be quite possible to stay clean, no matter what. And the odds for success increase when one chooses to surround him or herself with others living solution-based lives. Oh, one last thing...

Thanks, family and close friends. I literally could not have made it this far without you. =)