Memorial Day 2013

Today marks consecutive daily reprieve number 6,560. This time of year, and specifically Memorial Day, still remains particularly challenging for my husband and I. We both have loved ones in Arlington National Cemetery. Also, a few days from now will be the 18th anniversary of when Tommy left this plane for The Big Meeting. A few weeks ago I learned from another beloved old-timer that at least one of the Capitol Beltway's other Recovery Warriors has joined him.

It's been said time and again that life's two constants are death and taxes. Sometimes I gotta wonder though, how dead is dead? I mean, think about this for a moment. If a message, an idea, or an action remains in play, it's not really extinct, now is it? The recovery equivalent of this concept is that an activity cannot be called an "old behavior" if it's still a regular occurrence. Same logic applies similarly to subjective concepts such as ideas and messages. So, how "dead is dead" again?

Here's the part of this entry which explains its selected images. History is full of unsung heroes. It usually isn't until some time after their passing that they get their due recognition, at least indirectly. On this Memorial Day, in addition to our late, upstanding American service personnel, I'd like to pay tribute to another distinguished individual who still means the world to me.

Wiley, or "Pop-pop" to my cousins and I, was the best grandfather any kid could ever hope for. If there's anything to genetics, it is he who remains my first true mentor.

XMKKEMSXVFQILFLUFQSSTEBTNURYWJZVWYUZYHUIYBOXKNGQQDUDSCQEXBMDLNKYIBRDURFTTZZGZNYYBPDBLHF

For the clueless wonders, Rotors: I,II,III, Start positions: B,D,G
If that's still not enough, read this entry's source. Got it? Good.

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The blockquote below is a mildly redacted copy-and-paste of a September 2008 email from one of my uncles.

I just got off the phone with [name redacted], one of dad's pals from the intelligence/crypto days.

I am in tears of relief because i can reveal to all of you what i have been trying to find out... What our father did to be awarded the Legion of Merit that he was so proud of.

I had written to Senator Nelson for the answer, but his response was that a fire in the late 1980s destroyed all records from WW2!

[redacted] has just confirmed that our father, a sargeant in the army, was the one who broke the japanese diplomatic/naval codes and most likely, by himself alone, caused the triumph in world war 2 !!!

I can't tell you how proud i am of him...how he could carry that tremendous accomplishment to his grave shows what a great man he was.

I couldn't wait to share this with all of you. Thank God for people like him. Now he can rest in peace knowing how much we admire him as a Father, Husband and true Patriot.

Now, I too, can rest in peace...[uncle]

Anxiety in Dystopia

It seems like ages since the last entry, and even that one didn't feel adequate. I'm not pushing this entry to any of my social networks. If anyone who happens across tonight's little slice of weirdness likes it, please feel free to spread some link love, thanks.

With regard to the last entry, the practical application of "The Spirituality of Whatever" does have its limitations. Like now. There's a saying in the rooms that any given behavior isn't an "old behavior" (ie: pre-recovery) if one's still doing it. Stuffing via denial my personal concerns isn't exactly an old behavior. Rather, it's somewhat cyclical. Lately though, some older personal concerns keep gnawing at me and new ones are trying to exert dominance. I can't really talk openly about any of them, not now anyway.

I don't write about personal issues much any more. Maybe the sense of possibly being monitored by Big Brother makes me a tad paranoid. It's not like there's much true online anonymity left anymore, right? Then again, fifteen years ago, deep down in The Vault of Internet Eventualities a voice whispered, softly at first. Now that voice bellows and bears Louisville sluggers made of website TOS agreements and government legislation, all while sporting a Wal-Mart clearance aisle halo and a used-car-salesman smile...

"Be your true self," The Voice sweetly hisses. "But don't forget to share your most intimate details. We're friends, you and me. Good friends don't keep secrets. You do want to be my friend, right? What's your full legal name? Where do you live, work and play, and with whom? What's in your fridge? By the way, you're nearly out of toilet paper."

Oh gee thanks, creepy, intrusive harvester of too much information! Have your analytic algorithms determined my overall net worth? Do I make the cut? The Voice booms, "NO! We want you to fill out all the fields and not just the ones with the asterisks." Oh yeah? Is that all you've got? Bite my asterisks, buddy. All of them.

Ok, it's limited confession time. Without getting into specifics, I'm ambivalent about... Aw heck. Pardon the copypasta quickie. The original conversation was intended only for family of choice.

...many of you already know the background behind "fugitive247" and why I've fought for more than 15 years to maintain some modicum of personal anonymity online.

Folks, I'm simultaneously excited and near-panic stricken about the inevitability of having to publicly display my full name anywhere online. TOS registration matters not withstanding, this transition is being fueled for professional reasons. Before anyone suggests it, no, I have zero intention of starting brand new profiles on any of the services where I'm already registered.

Perhaps my biggest source of gut-gnawing apprehension is having to reconcile within myself the fact that I absolutely refuse to sanitize thousands of posts in which I mention specific 12 step recovery programs. I won't do it because it's disingenuous, period. As fugitive247, have I not developed some sense of credible transparency? Conversely, I sure don't want to publicly make myself appear, either as fugitive247 or Chris "Whomever," as a self-appointed representative of any anonymity based recovery resource. My ego really isn't that big, friends. =)

Why is this such a big deal to me? Mainly because I value Tradition Eleven. It's kind of doubtful that it's soon going to be amended to include internet as one of the venues which merits the maintenance of personal anonymity. Still, this is an example of how sometimes it's a hassle to have been in recovery since before ever going online and using a single nom de guerre the whole time, and certainly prior to the existence of social media. So modern internet convention now pretty much demands from me a degree compliance if I am to make continued progress in the Big Room. Will this make me a recovery sellout? Honestly, I'm working hard to quit judging myself harshly on this one matter, therefore others' critical opinions about this transition (which are really none of my business anyway) will likely amount to zilch in my book. I mean seriously, it's not like anyone's going to be able to repo my recovery... Just for today.

Inventories "R" Us

Pinterest: Recovery ROCKS!!!

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Welcome fellow addicts, to everybody's favorite game show, Inventories "R" Us!

Being judgmental is a seemingly inescapable aspect of the human condition. It may as well be a requirement for citizenship in North America and other locales. But what value, if any, does it have within the context of recovery?

I'll be the first to admit that I can be fairly judgmental, and at some times more than others. This can be both a character defect and an asset. No, I'm not rationalizing a darn thing here. There's something amiss when folks leave steaming piles of bullshit laying around, and few, if anyone, calls out the offending parties. Even fewer will bother to remedy (read: take action upon) the situations when they occur.

So here's the deal. If you're an addict in recovery who, for whatever reason, takes offense at the following poem, first determine why you take issue with it. Chances are that there's some truth contained in its message with which you personally identify.

You justify your insides
By judging my outsides,
But what gives you the right?
That clearance Walmart halo
May be screwed on
Just a tad too tight.

Hey, that copypasta shtick
Is unoriginal at best,
And most of it's
the property of Hazelden,
So try giving it a rest.

Parroting bumper sticker platitudes
Designed to mimic gratitude,
And slogans by the score,
Doesn't earn you the cred
Which can't be bought in any store.

Hubris has a new face,
Worn by those who think they're deep.
Quit spamming the masses;
Instead write a blog
'Cause relentless duplicate wall posts
Come off as hackneyed and cheap.

Time is measured in quality,
Quantity is but a bonus.
Addiction doesn't care
About your time;
The bitch just wants to own us.

Firsthand Experience, Strength and Hope
(now that's some strong dope!)
Are key to how we heal some strife,
Along with service and steps,
To fix this collective broken life.

So, let's get real,
You and me,
Because I can't do
This recovery gig alone.
If we're going to judge each other,
Then let's assess how much we've grown.

Well, that's all the time we have this evening for tonight's round of Inventories "R" Us. The Dopeless Networks are currently undergoing upgrades and other transitional changes. Your patience is greatly appreciated. Please also feel free to tune into our sister station for the continuing adventures of a mischievous yarn junkie.

Acts of Worship - film (pre-review)

Examples

Some folks in recovery might argue that celebrities in the throes of active disease are an outside issue. I humbly beg to differ. It's my belief that we, along with the general public, need to be reminded of the insanity that's part of the addiction package tour. Thank you Charlie Sheen, Amy Winehouse, et al, for being what's known as a good example of a bad example.

Adrift in a Sea of Disconnection

By fugitive247 | View this Toon at ToonDoo | Create your own Toon

 

Sometimes it's necessary to step back and throw a flag on a play or two. The situations matter in varying degrees, but often not as much as with how they're dealt. A realistic overall assessment can be had by analyzing some key components.

• Why does this situation exist?
• What's my part in this situation?
• What, if any, are my obligations in this matter?
• Where does this situation's resolution fit within the scope of other priorities?

For many it's normal to react with unproductive learned behaviors rather than to decisively act in a positive manner. If a situation truly isn't one's responsibility then it's far better to excuse oneself quietly, instead of issuing obnoxious, loud parting shots.

Lately though, it's been more a matter of feeling disconnected from... a lot. This sensation has been weaving its corrosive, snaky tendrils throughout all aspects of my [sic] existence to the point where some have expressed concern.

From an objective standpoint it would appear that I'm going through some garden variety Seasonal Affective Disorder, clinical depression, or other blanket diagnosis. Strangers can play amateur analyst to their hearts' content. Friends, however, take the time to say hello whenever concerns may arise about the well-being of others.

The point is that there's no shortage of apathy. There's a popular sentiment that love is the opposite of hate. I counter with my belief that hate is not love's antonym; it's apathy. I cannot rationally expect anyone to pull me out of this lingering funk, but I can project towards others the same positive actions that make my life worthwhile.

12 step recovery teaches that gratitude is an "action" vs. simply an emotion. In this vein, wouldn't logic dictate that "compassion" is also an "action" or behavior? Anyone can claim to care. The difference between an assertion and reality is acting upon that claim.