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Recovery Info > Resources > Dopeless Enigmaniac

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XVIII Years Clean!

Concentric pink neon hearts and a goofy little flower because, screw you - it's my birthday! ♥ ;-)

Sometimes, I really envy newcomers. Yes, this probably sounds kind of crazy coming from an addict who's celebrating eighteen years clean today. A whole lot can happen over the course of 6,575 consecutive daily reprieves. Although each day clean is a win, some are more victorious than others. This seems more in accordance with early recovery though, not that I want to ever have to use again, just for today. Chances of me surviving another run are probably pretty slim anyway.

Being a newcomer, regardless of whether a first-timer or re-tread, actually sucks except for one thing: newcomers are granted more latitude if for no other reason than that their screwing up somehow, is anticipated. Derp allowances for those of us who have been at this a while, aren't nearly as generous - unless one is very old.

In or outside the context of recovery though, it seems that more and more people are being forced into "newcomer" kinds of roles. Between politics and economics, there's a growing population of society's former contributors finding themselves stuck in long-term unemployment or under-employment. Their sense of self worth all but abandoned, many face the new, previously unthinkable options of having to accept public assistance in some form. Those who remain fortunate enough to survive without losing their families, homes, and other tangible assets are indeed blessed.

Here's where the newcomer disparity draws laser-precise focus. In a productive and healthy recovery community, its newcomers are generally made to feel welcome and reasonable efforts are made to ensure that the newcomer receives the information, skills, tools, and support necessary to become proactive in his or her quest to succeed. Similar can barely be said of our so-called "civilization" which festers beyond the scope and context of recovery.

In recovery we are taught to "carry the message, not the addict." This practical caution has been popularized as a safeguard to remind ourselves that no one should be given an indefinite "free ride." At some point the newcomer will be expected to progress sufficiently enough to become a productive member of society. In our best case scenarios, these former "newcomers" also manage to "pay forward" the practical compassion which had been so freely given to them, to other newcomers. As the recovery truism continues to be said, "we can only keep what we have by giving it away." Maybe one day, so-called "civilization" will truly embrace this principle and make its application go viral. ♥ =)

Memorial Day 2013

Today marks consecutive daily reprieve number 6,560. This time of year, and specifically Memorial Day, still remains particularly challenging for my husband and I. We both have loved ones in Arlington National Cemetery. Also, a few days from now will be the 18th anniversary of when Tommy left this plane for The Big Meeting. A few weeks ago I learned from another beloved old-timer that at least one of the Capitol Beltway's other Recovery Warriors has joined him.

It's been said time and again that life's two constants are death and taxes. Sometimes I gotta wonder though, how dead is dead? I mean, think about this for a moment. If a message, an idea, or an action remains in play, it's not really extinct, now is it? The recovery equivalent of this concept is that an activity cannot be called an "old behavior" if it's still a regular occurrence. Same logic applies similarly to subjective concepts such as ideas and messages. So, how "dead is dead" again?

Here's the part of this entry which explains its selected images. History is full of unsung heroes. It usually isn't until some time after their passing that they get their due recognition, at least indirectly. On this Memorial Day, in addition to our late, upstanding American service personnel, I'd like to pay tribute to another distinguished individual who still means the world to me.

Wiley, or "Pop-pop" to my cousins and I, was the best grandfather any kid could ever hope for. If there's anything to genetics, it is he who remains my first true mentor.

XMKKEMSXVFQILFLUFQSSTEBTNURYWJZVWYUZYHUIYBOXKNGQQDUDSCQEXBMDLNKYIBRDURFTTZZGZNYYBPDBLHF

For the clueless wonders, Rotors: I,II,III, Start positions: B,D,G
If that's still not enough, read this entry's source. Got it? Good.

---

The blockquote below is a mildly redacted copy-and-paste of a September 2008 email from one of my uncles.

I just got off the phone with [name redacted], one of dad's pals from the intelligence/crypto days.

I am in tears of relief because i can reveal to all of you what i have been trying to find out... What our father did to be awarded the Legion of Merit that he was so proud of.

I had written to Senator Nelson for the answer, but his response was that a fire in the late 1980s destroyed all records from WW2!

[redacted] has just confirmed that our father, a sargeant in the army, was the one who broke the japanese diplomatic/naval codes and most likely, by himself alone, caused the triumph in world war 2 !!!

I can't tell you how proud i am of him...how he could carry that tremendous accomplishment to his grave shows what a great man he was.

I couldn't wait to share this with all of you. Thank God for people like him. Now he can rest in peace knowing how much we admire him as a Father, Husband and true Patriot.

Now, I too, can rest in peace...[uncle]

Stop Perpetuating Faux Sainthood

Dismayed at the increase of people in recovery, who act like their personal brand is more important than being genuinely human. See: #EgoFag — fugi #AmeriSec (@fugitive247) May 8, 2013 IF THE IMAGE ABOVE OFFENDS YOU, KEEP READING

Can somebody please tell me who started the myth that people in recovery are expected to be saintly? Anybody? Hello?

**cue crickets**

Yeah, that's what I thought. So then, why do old-timers especially, seem to get put up on pedestals? From where does this misplaced idolatry come and why does this fallacy of holiness continue unabated?

It was only a little over a century ago that a handful of similarly troubled individuals struggled to connect for the sole purpose of, well... not dying from an addiction, one day at a time.

A lot has happened since 1908, but rather than rehash early recovery history, let's fast forward a bit.

If our original pioneers could see the recovery landscape today, what might their overall assessment be? Of course, this line of pondering leads down the alleyways of "Could Have," "Would Have," and "Should Have." Still, it is a worthwhile question if for no other reason than to encourage those of us on the path today, to examine our realities and priorities.

Yes, this careens broadly into areas which cannot and, really, should not be given credible voice only to those with arguable degrees of authority. I have a voice and I am not afraid to use it. Ready? Here we go!

Today, on what marks my 6,547th consecutive day (and a million nights) in recovery, here's only a smidgeon of how I see the overall faux sainthood equation:

• Time (quantity) ≠ Guru (quality)
• Books, speaker circuit, etc. ≠ Guru (quality)
• Service positions, sponsees, etc. ≠ Guru (quality)
• Certification(s) ≠ Proven Application
• ODOP (One Disease One Program) does not work for everybody
• No single recovery program is better than any other, nor are their practitioners
• Mode of expression, occasional swearing ≠ lack of recovery quality

So, what do I consider to be the hallmarks of quality in recovery? In all fairness, I can only offer my experience, strength, hope, and pieces of practical education gleaned along the way. Below, is a quick rundown based on the list above.

• All I really have is this today; I've just been blessed with a lot of them
• Yes, time permitting, I blog. If I write a book some day, it will be primarily fiction. I do not believe in recovery-related appearances for financial gain.
• Opinion: If one feels the need for recognition of their service activities, maybe he/she ought to look at possible ego issues.
• Metaphor for professional or educational accreditation... Putting a saddle on a hamster will not produce a horse.
• There isn't necessarily a one-size-fits-all recovery solution for everyone, so who am I to judge?
• Territorial pissing contests over such matters are as stupid as having an all-out knife fight on an inflatable life boat.
• If you read this whole post and still want to judge me on the image, guess what? Not my fucking problem, sweetheart. ;-)

Dear Pre-recovery Chris

Quick note... This entry had been languishing in draft mode since last August. Aside from formatting the html and adding the graphic, I haven't done much else with it. The reason why is because I don't want my story to read like some self-congratulatory heap of crap. Sharing my story honestly is probably going to happen over a course of controlled "purgings." Anyway, welcome to its beginning, somewhere in the middle.

---

Dear Pre-recovery Chris,

In a few days, events are going to unfold which will drop your arrogant ass into a position of shame and reckoning. I, your future self, cannot reveal what's about to transpire, but in years to come, you'll agree that this event was inevitable. Thing is, there are some nuggets of hope, courage, and wisdom that if you trust in the upcoming process, they will enrich your life more than you can possibly imagine now.

Let's look at the facts:

1. This double-life you've been running entirely on self-will, is killing you.
2. You have few meaningful relationships with anyone outside of your microscopic circle of trust.
3. No amount of any drug, activity, object, or person is enough any more, to drown out the insanity in your head, or to fill that insatiable void at the core of your being. All your crutches have stopped working and you're desperate for an exit strategy. Any exit, even one that's irreversible.
4. Secretly, you have been wondering if it's possible for you to experience recovery again.

Okay, while this list isn't pretty, it's not hopeless. Please understand that you didn't get to this point overnight. If you choose to get clean again, it is going to take quite some time and work to see improvement. Desperation will not be enough to get you better. Jails, nut huts, and cemeteries are full of addicts in worse shape than you.

Ditching Denial

I watched and waited silently for years, until I could remain silent no longer.

Really, don't tell me that you didn't see this coming. In my gut I'd known for a long time that I'd have to step up. There comes a point when the pain of stagnation usurps that of self-imposed suppression. I won't go into the how and why in this post. For now, let's just say I got tired of wearing the key to my own cage, around my neck. Countless thanks to all of you who kept giving me way too many reasons to finally use it. You totally rock my world. ♥